Everybody likes to get things for free, even me. While I was creating handouts for two forthcoming presentations, I realized it would be a good idea to offer these handouts on my website for free. Readers could download them and, better yet, use them. The first handout you will see is a favorite of mine, and actually comes from my forthcoming book, Help! I'm Raising My Grandkids: Grandparents Adpating to Life's Surprises. It's called a "Grandparent's Bill of Rights." This handout comes from life experience and, while it contains helpful information, it also contains some smiles. You should be able to access the handout in a couple of weeks by clicking on the New Resources tab at the top of my home screen. Please share the handout with any grandparents you know who are raising their grandkids, or care for them on a regular basis.
Speaking to Groups is Challenging and Fun
Over the years, I've given hundreds of presentations to various groups. Some groups were small, 12 to 20 people, and others were large, hundreds of people in a large meeting hall. I have to get my act together in order to give presentations. While giving presentations is fun, it also stimulating. Each presentation or workshop has to be organized, logical, meaningful, and most important, fit the group. I speak from the heart, include research findings, and practical tips for audience members. At the end of June, I'm giving two workshops at the Bereaved Parents of the USA National Gathering in Tampa, Florida. One is about creating a personal happiness plan. The other is about continuing my deceased daughter's mission of raising her twin children. Neither of these talks is easy, yet I will still enjoy giving them.
Both workshops have been outlined, and I'm working on sub-points now. I'm also working on meaningful handouts, handouts that people will want to keep and refer to later. My goal is to help those who are grieving and I'm honored to be asked to speak. Speaking about my multiple losses helps me and those who come to hear me. Shared experiences and words link us together. Onward to Tampa!
When Tears Take You by Surprise Again: Coping with Loss
This week I spoke to a group of Eldercare volunteers in my community. A dozen people came to hear me speak--dedicated volunteers who are willing to help others. Once a teacher, always a teacher, and I had my handout ready. It is a good handout, the "bones" of my talk, and I also brought wallet cards with happiness tips on it to give to the attendees. In the middle of my talk, without any warning, tears filled my eyes. "I'm going to cry," I announced. And I did cry. Two attendees started to cry with me. Though five years have passed since four family members died within nine months, grief took me by surprise again. Why did I cry? There are two reasons. First, you never get over the death of a child; you learn to live with it. Second, I didn't practice my talk aloud as I usually do. Practicing my talk aloud makes it real and prepares me for giving a talk. How did the audience react? I think my tears made my story real to them and they gave me a an enthusiastic round of applause at the end. As they left the room, many commented on the helpfulness and power of my talk. If tears take you by surprise, don't apologize for them. Your tears show you are human and connect you with others. Grief really is the tie that binds.
The Apple Tree and Hope of Spring
Two weeks ago, the apple tree in my back yard awakened from winter. If I looked closely, I could see tiny specks of green on the branches. In only a day, these specks had turned into tiny leaves. Hours later, the leaves started to get larger and the tree looked like it was covered with green lace. Now I see white dots amidst the leaves, blossoms that are going to flower at any moment. Seeing the apple tree come to life again gives me hope after a five years of grieving. If we let it, nature can help us to heal. Nature is always changing and so are we. After a long period of grief, self-examination and acceptance, we, too, may flower again and create new lives for ourselves. I am living that life now and, to my astonishment, I am happy. May you find happiness as well.
Are you suffering from Ambiguous Loss?
I just finished a book by Pauline Boss, PhD titled "Loss, Trauma, and Resilience." A retired University of Minnesota professor, Dr. Boss coined the term "ambiguous loss." What is it? It is a loss without a body and without a death certificate, as with the 9/11 victims. According to Boss, ambiguous loss is the most stressful of losses and "blocks cognition, coping, and meaning-making and freezes the grief process." You may suffer from ambiguous loss if the person who died changed drastically in recent years or if family members shun you at the memorial service. Do you think you're suffering from ambiguous loss? If so, I encourage you to learn more about it. You will understand yourself better and cope better too.
Creating a Grand Family
Today is the fifth anniversary of my daughter's death. I think of her every day and every day I promise to make decisions she would approve of and make her glad. In some ways, it's hard to believe my daughter has been gone for five years. Where did the time go? What did I learn? One thing I learned is that two teenagers and two grandparents can come together to form a grand family. It is a true miracle. Still, all of us had to go through a lot of pain to get to this place in our lives. I learned that my grandchildren are kind, brilliant, helpful people. Today, I we share mutual love and mutual respect. During the last five years I learned grief can be shared. Family members, close friends, and total strangers have come to my aid. But the most important thing I learned is that each of us has the power to come to terms with grief and create a new life. My daughter would want me to laugh, set goals, and enjoy each day. I'm doing these things. Ten percent of all the grandparents in America are raising their grandchildren. and the number is going up. So in memory of my daughter I have written a book to help GRGs (grandparents raising grandchildren), and GAPs (grandparents as parents), and hope it will be published soon. You are in my heart, Helen, and always will be.
Helping Those Who Grieve
I continue to write about loss and grief. My grief reconciliation and recovery articles are posted on the Open to Hope Foundation website and EzineArticles. Right now I am trying to sell a book about grandparenting. It's an uphill battle in a down economy. Why do I continue to write? One reason is to track my feelings, but it is the lesser reason. The main reason is to help others. When I attended The Compassionate Friends Conference in Bloomington, MN last summer, I was struck by the power of shared grief and healing. Reaching out to others gives new purpose to my life and I just submitted two presentation proposals to two organizations. While I hope my proposals are accepted, it is't imperative. Helping others is what is important to me. If you want to share your feelings, or challenges, or successes, please post here. I will read every word!
Grief Recovery or Reconciliation?
In the early stages of grief my goal was to stop the pain. I had cried for weeks and wanted the crying to stop. I wanted to feel better. I wanted my former life back. With the passage of time and lots of grief work, I was able to stop crying. Day by day, I slowly began to feel better. But my former life did not return. Instead, I had a new and different life, a life without my daughter, father-in-law, brother and former son-in-law. According to many grief experts, we do not recover from grief, we come to terms with it. Other bereaved parents agree. In fact, the comments I have heard most are "You never get over it" and "You learn to live with it," referring to loss. More than four years have passed since my daughter died and I have adapted to my new life. Still, on her birthday and at Christmas time, tears come to my eyes. That is okay, for tears are a sign of love.
Endings are Really Beginnings
On New Year's Eve I don't stay up late. The glittering ball in Times Square will drop whether I watch it or not. But I am very aware of the ending of one year and the start of another. Though I don't make resolutions, I do write affirmations for the coming year. Affirmations make me focus on the positives in my life and positive words to describe them. Sometimes I write an affirmation on a small piece of paper, stick it in my pocket, and read it several times during the day. A recent affirmation: I am finding new ways to give and this makes me feel good inside. Do you feel like you're stuck in place? Start writing affirmations. All you need is a pencil, paper, and positive words like believe, thank, give, value, trust and care. Write your affirmations in the present tense even if they are not true yet. You may be surprised at the result.
You Can't Let the Humbugs Get You Down
I've worked hard on Christmas. But my last gift idea has turned into a novel. First, I thought I had ordered bookends online. As it turned out, I didn't complete the order. So I looked up bookends on the Barnes & Noble website, found the pair I wanted, and went to the local store, only to find out they weren't in stock. The bookends were ordered and came today -- both of them broken. I braved the holiday traffic, drove in circles looking for a parking space, found one, returned the bookends and received a credit. Clearly, my gift idea for people I love wouldn't be under the tree. "I've got a case of the humbugs," I thought, "and I can't let them get me down." My gift idea is still a good one, the bookends will come eventually, and I will give them to the intended recipients. We may get the humbugs temporarily, yet we can give ourselves an attitude adjustment. In the end, Christmas and gift giving is all about love.
Remembering Old Traditions, Creating New Ones
Our family has many traditions and having oyster stew on Christmas Eve is one of them. When they were little our two daughters wrinkled their noses at the mention of oyster stew. Still, we asked them to take a taste, no more than a teaspoon. As the years passed they grew to like oyster stew and this tradition. Four years ago my elder daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash. The pain of this tragedy is still with us, yet we are trying to new memories and traditions. We have two traditions, giving to the food bank and giving to the library in her memory. These are heartfelt, practical traditions that help others. If our daughter was here she would smile.
Giving: A Way to Recover from Grief and Craft a New Life
Giving expresses the spirit of the holiday season. I started my shopping early and have even wrapped some gifts. This Christmas, four years after four loved ones died, I'm going to focus on a different kind of giving -- sharing my time and traning. I've already rung bells for the Salvation Army Red Kettle program. In addition, I'm going to continue mentoring a new writer, give free talks about grief recovery, and give my books away.As time passes, I've found that giving helps me most. When you're consumed by grief, you may not be able to imagine yourself giving. But the time will come when you feel the need to give. Life isn't over yet and you and I have much to give. Let's do it!
A Fitting Memorial for a Fitting Cause
Tomorrow my husband and I will drive to the University of Minnesota to attend a scholarship luncheon. At the luncheon we will meet the two medical students who received scholarships, established by the family, in memory of my father-in-law. We think the scholarships are a fitting memorial to an outstanding physician and father. For one thing, the scholarships honor academic achievement. They are practical as well, helping students who really need the help. Though Dad won't be with us physically, he will be with us in spirit. We will think about his marvelous sense of humor, his never-ending intellectual curiosity, the leadership positions he held, and his role as the family patriarch. Are you looking for ways to honor a loved one? Think about establishing a scholarship in your loved one's name, a fitting memorial for someone you loved so much.
Speaking to Community Groups: Q and A Time
Last evening I spoke to a church group in my home town. The title of my talk was "Spiritual Women Helping Each Other" and it was about 40 minutes long. After my talk I asked audience members for their thoughts and comments. My request was met with silence. Had my talk been a dismal failure? Finally, two people spoke up and then a third. "We're in awe," the woman said. "We don't know what to say." Apparently my worry had been in vain. Audience members understood my talk, followed it on the handout I provided, and were moved by my words. Several friends came to hear me and I was moved by their kindness. If you give a talk and get few questions and answers afterwards, don't worry. The audience may have been moved by your message and will be thinking about it for days to come.
Thanksgiving Thoughts: Remembering my Daughter
Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me. My parents were married on Thanksgiving and I always sent them an anniversary card. My daughter was born on Thanksgiving and we always sang "Happy Birthday" to her at dinner time. Now my parents are gone, my daughter is gone, and there are no cards to buy and no songs to sing. How do I get through this holiday? I am selective about memories, for one thing. Instead of dwelling on sadness I think of the joy my parents and daughter brought to my life. Today, the extended family celebrates Thanksgiving differently and it has become a mini family reunion, something else that brings me joy. Giving is part of Thanksgiving and my husband and I have donated money to the local food bank in memory of our daughter. When times were tough she used the food bank and it is a fitting memorial to her. The best part of Thanksgiving is celebrating it with my twin grandchildren. They are college sophomores now, young adults pursuing their careers and their dreams. I am thankful for my family, my devoted husband, my grandchildren, and for life itself.
Using This Blog to Push a Business/Product Shows a Lack of Ethics
Ever since I started this blog I've received strange emails from people. I've gotten as many as five a day and most make no sense at all; they're gibberish. Apparently these senders hope to gain access to my website, my computer, advertise their business or their product(s). Using this blog to push a business or product shows a lack of ethics. Worse, it shows a total lack of compassion. I write books and maintain this blog to help people. If you are one of the senders, please think of those who are grieving. If you believe in your business or product, then pay for Internet or print advertising. It's the right thing to do.
Start Writing Your Grief Story Today!
After I've given a talk about recovering from grief, many people ask me how to go about writing a book. Some authors use a random approach and write about whatever comes to mind. I work from an outline. First, I determine the main topic of the book. Next, I identify sub-topics and make a list of them. These are my chapters. I put this information in outline form and let it "percolate" for a few weeks or months. During this time some chapters may be deleted and the order of the chapters may change. Then I start writing. Sometimes I deviate from the outline, but for the most part, I stick with it. I encourage you to write your own grief story. Start today. Don't try to impress anyone; just be your yourself. Writing will lead you to new discoveries and a new life.
Women Helping Women
I wouldn't be as happy today were it not for the women who have helped me. Four years have passed since my daughter died and my female friends still support me. They ask questions that let me share my feelings and continue to provide encouragement. Women are very aware of their feelings and the feelings of others. This connection allows them to help others. I'm thankful for the caring women in my life and I try to return their kindness.
Sadness and Joy When Grandkids Return to College
Last week my twin grandchildren returned to college. They are both sophomores. One is attending a huge state university and the other is attending a small private college. Both are happy with their college choices and I'm happy for them. Having the twins home for college was so much fun I didn't want it to end. "I'll probably cry when you go back to school," I admitted to my granddaughter. She asked me not to do that and I didn't. My husband and I sent them off with smiles, good wishes, and the house is quiet again. Too quiet.
Is Happiness Eluding You? Read my Latest Book, Happy Again!
After losing four family members in 2007 I never thought I'd be happy again. In fact, I wondered if I would even survive. But I became a GRG, grandparent raising grandchildren, and this helped me to survive and jump back into life. As the months passed, happiness slowly crept back into my life. I want others to find happiness, too, so I wrote a book about it. Happy Again! Your New and Meaningful Life has just been published by Centering Corporation. It's an easy read and an easy on the pocket price. You can be happy again and that starts with a personal decision, choosing happiness over sadness.