A Parent’s Grief: Symptoms and Solutions

In the stress and confusion of grief you may:

• lose track of conversations

• put things in odd places, such as comb in the refrigerator

• lose things like car keys or even an egg

• read with poor or no comprehension and need to re-read

• get a driving buddy for safety reasons

• burst into tears without warning

• dream about your child and awaken with tears on your face

• have the urge to say your child’s name and say it often

• get angry and apply this energy to healing

• share your grief story with others

• learn from other bereaved parents

• banish guilt feelings; they are usually non-productive

• have bad days and good days

• detour from the healing path

• treasure happy memories of your child and talk about them

• be comforted by linking objects

• thank others for bad advice and then ignore it

• create memorials in honor of your child

• continue to love your child after her or his death

• build on love and face a future without your child

• give yourself permission to laugh

• create a new, happy, and satisfying life in memory of your child.

A Grandparent’s Bill of Rights

You have the right to:

• Enjoy your grandkids.

• Feed them nutritious, balanced meals, and normal servings.

• Give your grandkids sandwiches if they reject dinner.

• Make play part of each day.

• Help with homework, but not provide answers.

• Teach grandkids basic manners.

• Ask grandkids to help around the house.

• Laugh at your own jokes even if they are sappy.

• Ask permission to give grandkids hugs.

• Expect teens to provide who, what, when, where, why and how details.

• Set reasonable bedtimes and curfews.

• Use the word “no” when necessary.

• Teach grandkids how to budget and save money.

• Get grandkids to clean up their bedrooms and ignore the “moanie groanies.”

• Require drivers to fill the car gas tank when gauge reads one quarter full.

• Ask drivers to turn the car radio back to your favorite station.

• Stop loud music and phone calls after 9 p.m.

• Repeat stories even if your grandkids roll their eyes.

• Say “I love you” every day.

Copyright © 2017 by Harriet Hodgson    

July 2020 Monthly Newsletter

Book Business

Exciting news! Boutique of Quality Books (BQB Publishing) accepted my latest book about doodle art. It will be released in September of 2021. For the first time in my 39-year career I am both author and illustrator. Though I took many art courses for my MA in Art Education, I wasn’t familiar with this art form—a blend of doodling, cartoons, and folk art.

Of course, I had to learn more about it. I read about doodle art, looked at examples, and logged into training sessions. Then I started practicing. The more I practiced, the more “doodley” I became. Now I think of myself as a doodle artist. Doodle art helps me slow down for a while, something every caregiver needs. When I’m involved in doodle art I become totally engrossed in it and my cares fade away.

My book, From Darkness to Sunshine, a workbook for grieving kids ages 9-12, just came off the press. It is illustrated by doodle artist Roxanne Wach. Her illustrations add interest to the pages and foster participation. If you are the parent or grandparent of a grieving child, this workbook is for you. A widowed friend of mine paged through it and declared, “I would do this.” Her comment made me wonder if the workbook would help adults.

The companion workbook for younger kids, From Sad to Glad, is in production now. I don’t know the release date yet. Both workbooks are published by Centering Corporation in Omaha, Nebraska, www.centering.org. Bulk rates are available.

Thanks to author and brain injury educator Donna O’Donnel Figurski for having me on her Blog Talk Radio program. She is the author of Prisoner Without Bars: A Caregiver’s Tale, an award-winning book. To hear our caregiving discussion go to https://survivingtraumaticbraininjury.com/2020/04/caregivers-speak-out-harriet-hodgson-caregiver-and-author.

To hear our brain injury discussion go to http://survivingtraumaticbraininjury.com/2015/07/speak-out-on-the-air-with-grain-injury-radio-show-menu-another-fork-in-the-road/  Scroll down to March 20, 2020. Thanks for inviting me on your program, Donna. I appreciate your interview skills, kindness, and help.

Reviews

Thanks to the Online Book Club for the four-star (out of four stars) review of So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids! This is a detailed, informative review and I am grateful for it. To read the review log into https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?f=114&t=147455

Why do authors need reviews? First, reviews help an author’s work get noticed. Book reviews also raise an author’s Amazon ranking. Reviews help authors get their books into bookstores. There is one more reason and it’s a make or break reason. If an author’s book isn’t selling well, the publisher may delete it from its book list. Reviews help authors keep their books on these lists.

Recent reviews of some of my books are encouraging. About Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief - “This book helped me a lot with my son’s illness and getting through the tough time before his death. About So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids - “A story . . . filled with inspiration and spirit.” About  The Grandma Force - “I was surprised at how much I learned reading this book.”

As Katie Rose, an author, speaker, and law professor notes, “Your words are as important as an author’s words.” Well, I need your words. After you have finished reading one of my books, please post a review on Amazon. If the book was a gift, state this first to ensure your review gets posted. Thanks for sharing your time and your words.

From My Window

The pandemic pushed grief to the forefront of American life and made grief a publishing trend. I’ve written 10 grief healing and hope books. Instead of sending sympathy cards, I send a copy of my book, the Writing to Recover Journal, published by Centering Corporation. I also send copies of my book, 101 Affirmations to Ease Your Grief Journey. It costs the same as a card and is more useful.

 Writing requires constant attention. I email my WriteLife  publisher, Terri Leidich, weekly. In a recent email, she said I was “still sharp as a tack.” This made me think about maintaining the mind. Dr. Sanjay Gupta, in the April/May issue of “AARP: The Magazine,” says he is convinced that “the brain can be constructively changed—continually enhanced and fine-tuned—no matter what your age or access to resources is.”

How do you exercise your mind? I exercise mine by writing and speaking. On June 22nd I was honored to participate in the Open to Hope Foundation’s free online conference, “Finding Hope During Uncertain Times.” Open to Hope editor Neil Chethik, author of FatherLoss, and I talked about getting a grief book published. Our discussion ranged from author credentials, to finding a publisher, to book marketing, and more. We could have talked for hours.

Thanks to the Open to Hope Foundation for inviting me to speak and thanks to Neil Chethik for chairing our panel discussion. The online conference had 50 presenters and more than 4,000 attendees.

Quote of the Month

No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader. Robert Frost, beloved American poet, recipient of four Nobel Prizes, and citizen of the world. 

Getting My Book Marketing Act Together

I’ve been a freelance writer for 39 years. During this time, I’ve had various business cards designed, printed information cards to publicize books, and printed bookmarks. Maybe it’s due to sheltering at home, but I had a creative spurt, and wrote three books for children. All are in production now. Clearly, it was time to plan and unify my book marketing materials.

To begin with, I had a graphic designer create a logo. It is double H with my name beneath. The color of the letters matches the color of the sweater I’m wearing in my photo. I’m pleased with the logo and the eye-catching teal color. This logo appears on the back of my business card, and the masthead of my new newsletter.

I had been thinking about writing a newsletter for some time. A few weeks ago, I acted on the idea. My newsletter is about 600 words long, the word count of an article. Recurring columns give the newsletter continuity. As my needs change, the column headings may also change. My granddaughter, an independent photographer and artistic person, designed the newsletter masthead.

We decided to include the covers of my latest books on the masthead. One glance and readers have an idea of what I write. The covers also add color to the masthead. Writing a short newsletter is time-consuming and, as soon as I finish one issue, I start work on the next. This is a time-consuming process because writing short takes more time than writing long.

I’m feeling pretty good about book marketing. After years of fumbling around, I have my act together. Do you have a unified marketing approach? Is your business card current? Are you willing to spend time on an E-newsletter? If you’ve going to compete in today’s market, you need to answer these questions, and allocate money to marketing.

You can do it!

Tangy Lemon Dessert Sauce

A simple sauce can transform plain cake into a special, memorable dessert. This sauce tastes good on angel food cake, pound cake, yellow cake, and for a double zing, lemon cake.

INGREDIENTS

• ½ cup sugar (or ¼ cup sugar, ¼ cup Splenda)

• 1 rounded tablespoon cornstarch

• Dash of salt

• 1 cup water

• Juice of one large lemon

• Zest of one large lemon

• 1 ½ tablespoons butter

METHOD

1. Whisk sugar, cornstarch and salt together in medium saucepan.

2. Stir in water, lemon juice and zest.

3. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture bubbles and thickens.

4. Remove from heat and whisk in butter.

5. Serve warm or cold over your cake of choice. Makes 4 servings.

Rich Chocolate Cookies with Chocolate Chips

INGREDIENTS

• 1 ¼ cups Smart Balance spread

• 2 cups granulated sugar

• 2 large eggs, room temperature

• 2 ½ teaspoons pure vanilla extract

• ¾ cup unsweetened cocoa powder

• 1 teaspoon instant coffee 

• 2 cups all-purpose flour

• 1 teaspoon baking soda

• ¼ teaspoon salt

• 1 ½ cups chocolate chips

METHOD

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Coat baking sheet with cooking spray and set aside.

2. In large mixing bowl, cream Smart Balance, sugar, and vanilla extract together until fluffy.  

3. Add eggs and beat until combined.

4. Set mixer on lowest setting. Gradually add cocoa powder and instant coffee.

5. With mixer at a low setting, gradually add flour, baking soda, and salt.

6. Work in chocolate chips with rubber scraper or large spoon.

7. Drop rounded teaspoons of dough onto prepared baking sheet, leaving 1 ½ inches between cookies.

8. Set baking sheet on middle oven rack and bake for 8-10 minutes. Leave cookies on baking sheet 1 minute before removing. Cool on parchment or wax paper. Makes about 5 dozen cookies.

How Screen Time Can Supplement and Enhance Your Child's Education

By Leslie Campos

While many experts recommend restricting screen time for kids, screen time isn’t all bad. In fact, you might be surprised at how it can benefit your children. There’s nothing wrong with some screen time to educate and entertain your kids when you are just too exhausted to do anything else.

Science shows and history documentaries can boost knowledge

If you want your kids to be able to view high-quality science experiments and demonstrations, turn to educational online videos. Check out various science channels for your children to learn about different fields of science, from chemistry to physics to robotics.

Watching certain TV shows, movies, video series, and documentaries can be a terrific way to solidify your child’s knowledge of history. The Association of American Educators notes there are ample quality history-oriented documentaries for kids that they will truly enjoy. Bringing history alive in your own home has never been easier or more entertaining!

Math apps and games can supplement schooling

If your child is lagging behind in math (or any other school subject), you can find learning apps and games to supplement their education, find gaps in learning, and help them catch up with their peers. For example, Khan Academy offers free video math lessons from basic counting all the way through calculus. Homeschooling parents often use this site for their kids, but it can also be a fun way for your children to use the computer after school and learn quite a bit too.

Kids love apps, and Prodigy notes there are several math apps out there that gamify learning for children. Some have the ability to customize what your child is working on, and there is everything from fun cartoon animals to fantasy-land exploration.

Video games have numerous cognitive benefits for kids

Despite what you might read about the "evils" of screen time, there are games that can improve attention, concentration, memory, and problem-solving skills. Some research indicates that video games can also boost brain processing speed, enhance multi-tasking skills, and improve coordination. This doesn't mean that you should allow your kids free reign to play every and any video game for hours on end. But when parents are exhausted, video games can be an alternative for kids.

Raise Smart Kid notes many popular video games fit into these categories and others. Strategy games, such as the Starcraft and Civilization series, can be particularly beneficial, and action role-playing games can improve decision making and problem-solving. Of course, puzzle games can stretch the brain, too, as kids are challenged to figure out patterns and problems under time constraints.

TV time can become family time

Yes, you should definitely spend time with your kids outdoors – biking, hiking, and enjoying nature. But don’t overlook the benefits of hanging out or snuggling with your kids on the couch while watching family movies, sporting events, and your favorite TV shows. 

TV sticks for streaming allow you to access just about everything these days, so don’t limit yourself to major networks or the humdrum usuals. And to add a fun aspect and to reward your kids for paying attention, you can make a game of your family's TV viewing by asking questions at the end and hand out prizes for correct answers.

Sometimes parents get tired, but it doesn’t mean they are neglecting their kids when they allow them to watch TV, play video games, download smartphone apps, or engage in other screen time. So grant yourself some grace and provide your children with some educational alternatives on their screens for those times when you need it.

Photo via Pixabay

Audio Books: Easy, Informative Listening During the Pandemic

The Coronavirus is affecting all phases of life, including publishing. If you are sheltering at home, you may be looking for things to do. Reading is one of the best things you can do for yourself. You may read a print book, eBook, or listen to an audio book.

Three of my books, The Family Caregiver’s Guide, So, You’re Raising Your Grandkids! and The Grandma Force are available as audio books. In fact, they are free with an Audible trial membership. They are also free with Kindle unlimited membership.

Do you feel stuck at home? Are the walls closing in on you? Are you talking to yourself? Order one of my audio books. They are beautifully narrated and packed with useful information. Order your copy today!

What’s in Your Media Kit?

If you’ve never assembled a media kit before, determining the contents can be daunting. What should you include? What should you leave out? I’ve been a freelancer for 38 years and made many press kits. Buying folders is the first step.

Purchase folders that have slits for business cards. The color of the folder should enhance the cover of your book. I glue a cover printout to the front of the folder. Keep in mind that glue may not stick to a folder that has a glossy finish. 

The next step is to make a contents list. A media kit has two purposes: 1) inform the media about your book; 2) save the media time. When a person opens your kit, they should get a feel for your book immediately. Here is my contents list.

Copy of your book. Giving away books is, by far, the cheapest form of advertising. I put the book on the left side of the folder, along with my cover letter.

Cover letter. Writing this letter can take days. Tell what makes your book stand out from the crowd. Be concise and bullet points if necessary. Thank the person for their interest.

Business card. Your business card is a mini portrait of you. If your cards are dated, get new ones. Though some websites let you design your own card, I hire a graphic designer. Be sure to use a current photo.

Bookmark. Bookmarks are useful and a form of advertising. I ask the same graphic designer to design my bookmark. Secure the bookmark to the folder pocked with a paper clip.

Publisher’s information sheet. WriteLife and BQB Publishing have excellent information sheets and you may as well take advantage of them. I also put this insert in the left pocket.

Reviews. Before your book went to press, you may have gotten reviews from influencers. Though these reviews are printed in the front of a book, I make a  separate reviews insert. 

Features and Benefits comparison sheet. This insert pertains to nonfiction writers. Here are the comparisons for my book, Happy Again! Your New and Meaningful Life After Loss. 

Features                                          Benefits

Casual writing style                       Easy reading, holds you interest

Bold headings                                Help you skim read

Information                                    Packed with info and real-life stories

Resource list                                   Additional grief support for you

Planning pages                               Encourage proactive steps

Q and A sheet for journalists/reporters. This is a time-saver for the media. Include questions such as, “Why did you write this?” “What is the theme of your book?” “Will there be a sequel?”

Newspaper or magazine article. An article proves your credibility. Resist the urge to include several articles. One article about your book is enough. 

The newspaper article, Q and A sheet, features/benefits comparison sheet, reviews sheet go in the right pocket. Once you’ve gotten the hang of assembling a media kit, the job is easier and faster. You’re a published author and a pro!

Why Saving Poor Drafts is a Good Idea

Developing good writing habits is a trial and error process. Each writer needs to figure out what works for them. I always print out what I’ve written. Early in my career, if I was displeased with the copy, I tossed the page or pages in the trash. A few days later, however, I would change my mind. What was I thinking? Why did I discard the page?

Worse, I was angry at myself, a terrible feeling. This would lead to a frantic search of the trash can by my desk. I’m a nonfiction writer and chapter topics need to be in a logical order—a sequence that flows and retains the reader’s attention. Sometimes I retrieved pages for sequence. Other times I retrieved pages for well-written paragraphs or phrases.

My goal for a first draft is to get ideas on paper as quickly as possible. Though I’m tempted to edit as I write, I resist this temptation. Editing comes later. While I’m writing I continue to research the topic and my books have lengthy biographies. To eliminate the trash can drama I changed my writing habits.

1. I write SAVE in red ink on the top of selected pages.

2. I circle the paragraph, phrase, or word choices that prompted me to save the page.

3. If I’m saving a page for sequence, I often jot down additional points in the margin.

4. Sometimes I cross-reference. “See similar point on page ____.”

5. I add notes to myself, such as “Expand this point.”

6. The saved pages are stored in a separate folder.

I don’t know how many discarded pages have been woven into final manuscripts but it must be hundreds. Messy as early drafts can be, I think they are genuine—the first ideas to surface from a writer’s mind. William Faulkner explained it better than I. “Get it down. Take chances,” he advised. “It may be bad, but it’s the only way you can do anything really good.”

Falkner was right. Sometimes there’s good stuff hidden in messy first drafts.

Fresh Cranberry-Orange Cake for the Holidays

Holidays are busy times and baking times. What can you bake if you are short of time? Fresh Cranberry-Orange cake is one answer. No electric mixer is needed. To make the cake, you need a large bowl, whisk, measuring cup, and measuring spoons. I made this original recipe yesterday and had some for breakfast this morning. As I discovered, Fresh Cranberry-Orange cake and coffee are a tasty pair. 

Ingredients

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup granulated sugar (or ½ cup granulated sugar + ½ cup Splenda)

2 cups fresh cranberries, rinsed, drained, and halved

2 large eggs, room temperature

3 tablespoons light olive oil

1 ½ teaspoons orange extract

1 cup fresh orange juice

Directions

1. Coat a round, 10” non-stick baking pan with cooking spray. 

2. In a large mixing bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar together.

3. Stir cranberries into dry mixture. (This helps to prevent them from sinking.)

4. In a small mixing bowl, whisk eggs, olive oil, orange extract, and orange juice together.

5. Fold wet ingredients into dry ingredients.

6. Turn batter into prepared pan and bake for about 30 minutes, or until cake starts to pull away from pan. Cool.

7. Garnish with powdered sugar, whipped cream, or whipped topping. Makes 8 servings.

You Can Make Moving Easier

My husband and I are moving in a few weeks. Moving is stressful but we’re doing well because this is our 19th move. We are good—darned good—at moving. Thanks to experience, I’ve learned how to make moving physically and emotionally easier. These tips may help you. 

Start early. Fall is one of the busiest times for moving companies. Pick a tentative moving date and get your name on the company schedule as soon as possible. The same is true if you’re renting a truck.

Gather facts. What is the mover’s hourly rate? Is the company insurance enough or do you need to buy more? Ask those who have used the company if they would recommend it.

File documents and receipts. Buy a three-ring binder and plastic page protectors. File every moving document in this notebook. You may also file pictures of decorating ideas. Keeping a notebook saves you time and hassle.

Order a rubber stamp. Having a rubber stamp with your new address makes filling out change of address postcards a breeze. Mail the cards one month before you move.

Get a floor plan. Though this isn’t always possible, it’s worth a try. The first time we toured our apartment the marketing director gave us a floor plan and furniture stickers. If you can’t get a plan, ask for room dimensions. Furniture stickers are available online.

Make paper patterns. Would the round table I just ordered fit in our apartment?  To answer this question, I taped newspapers together, set them on the table, traced the outline, and cut out the pattern. Use paper patterns to determine furniture placement. 

Fix broken stuff.  The shade on one of our favorite lamps ripped, so I ordered a new shade. I also repair scratches with scratch remover or furniture crayon. Doing this prevents the moving company from listing your furniture as damaged.

Lighten the load. Donate or sell items you haven’t used in a year. Since Goodwill is just a few blocks away, I donate to them. I file the receipts for tax purposes. We also donated furniture to a church that helps immigrant families.

Hire a mobile shredding truck. You’ll find companies that have shredding services online. A mobile shredding truck came to our home six times and shredded 32boxes of documents for $10 a box. 

Take a break. Moving is physically and emotionally tiring and that’s why you need breaks. Moving breaks are part of self-care. Take a day off every now and then and do something you enjoy. These tips will help you have a smooth move.

Homemade Granola with Apples and Cinnamon: Fresher, Healthier, Cheaper

Grocery stores carry many kinds of granola. All are tempting. When you read the ingredients label, you may discover the granola is high in fat, sugar, and salt. Some consumers find store-bought granola hard to chew because it’s not fresh. What’s a shopper to do? Making your own granola is the answer.

I came across this recipe years ago and modified it to suit my tastes and health needs. It has no salt and is lightly sweetened with honey. You make your own by adding dried fruit you like. Homemade Granola with Apples and Cinnamon tastes great on yogurt and surprisingly good on frozen yogurt.

INGREDIENTS

6 cups quick-cooking oatmeal

1 ½ teaspoons ground cinnamon

½ cup sliced almonds

¼ cup honey

2 tablespoons extra light olive oil

2 tablespoons apple juice

1 ½ teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1 cup dried fruit of choice: chopped apples, chopped apricots, chopped cherries, currants, raisins, blueberries, or reduced sugar cranberries

METHOD

1. Heat oven to 300 degrees. Coat two cookie sheets with baking spray.

2. In a large bowl, combine oatmeal, cinnamon, and almonds.

3. In a small bowl, combine honey, olive oil, apple juice, and vanilla extract. 

4. Add wet mixture to oatmeal mixture and mix well.

5. Pour granola into baking pans, spreading out evenly. 

6. Bake for 20-25 minutes, stirring several times, until granola starts to brown.

7. Remove from oven and add dried fruit. Cool completely. Store in tightly sealed containers. Makes about 7 cups.

Authors and Public Speaking: Preparing Your Talk

Some authors hate public speaking. The idea of getting up in front of a group gives them a nervous twitch. Not me. Whether it is a conference, retirement community, or church gathering, I learn something every time I speak. Since public speaking is demanding, I start work on my presentation a month ahead. 

Recently I spoke to a group at a retirement community owned and operated by Mayo Clinic. “What Happens When You Type in the Basement for 38 Years?” was the title of the talk. As I walked out the door I called to my husband, “I hope I don’t wind up talking to myself.”

I didn’t. There was a good crowd and, more importantly, it was a receptive one. Thanks to my preparation, the hour-long presentation was a hit, and many people came up to talk to me afterward. What do you need to do before you speak to a group? 

Identify key points. The number of points depends on how much time you have.  After you’ve made a point, you need to support it with additional details, statistics, or a story. Stories are easier to remember than statistics.

Put your plan in writing. My talks have three main sections, introduction, body, and conclusion. Sometimes I list resources at the bottom. Action steps are printed in red. Examples: 1) Show my Rochester history book; 2) Invite audience participation; 3) Distribute new handout. 

Include laughter breaks. Laughter helps people remember a point and you. Because I speak on serious topics, such as grief healing, I include humorous stories in my talks. I tell a funny story every 10 minutes or so. Laughter relaxes people, relieves stress, and keeps audience members interested in your talk. 

Give yourself credit. My generation was trained not to brag. It’s hard for me to cite all the books I’ve written. But I’ve gotten better. Now I tell people about my 37 books (some are long, some are short) and take credit for them. Writing short books is similar to writing poetry and take longer to write.

Practice your talk. Before I give a talk, I practice it at least three times—often more. I note the starting time and finishing time to determine if my talk fits the allotted time slot. If my talk needs to be altered I do it immediately, while ideas are fresh in my mind.

Give people something. Many speakers rely on PowerPoint, but I still use handouts. Handouts are opportunities to share your website address and ordering information. At my recent talk I gave out flyers about my forthcoming book and bookmarks. Other materials were available on a small table.

Thank the audience. Always thank people for coming. End your talk with a laugh if you can. Instead of asking for questions, ask for comments, such as “Has this happened to you?” Taking about your books is a privilege and a perk. Make the most of every talk you give.